It still hurts sometimes.

Dear Diary,  (that's what this post feels like...lol)

Since my original Reality Bites post last September when I finally 'came out' about being infertile I have had many wonderful things happen including connecting with people who have a similar story and learning a ton about myself and my relationship with my husband. When I hear others fertility struggles regardless if I know them or not, I automatically feel a deep bond with them. I become invested in their story as much as I am invested in my own.  I cheer them on, pray for them, think of them, and cry tears of sorrow and joy with them. This isn't a fun road, but it's worth ever damn step if you able to find the beauty in it. 

First and foremost I want to say that I am forever grateful, thankful, blessed etc. that we were able to bring the most perfect miracle baby into this world. The feeling of complete gratitude to modern day science and the medical professionals that made our Peanut possible will never fade. We are so very lucky, however there isn't a day that goes by that I am not reminded that we struggled, and will continue to struggle with fertility. To be honest, I wasn't expecting these feelings to be here still. Pregnancy announcements can sometimes still be difficult but I am slowly working through this.  The emotional scars of our treatment struggles still linger in the back of my mind and the thought of doing it all over again is completely and utterly overwhelming. I've always been a 'follow your gut' type of girl and we know that our family isn't complete yet so we will be giving treatment another go when the time is right for our family. That scares the shit out of me. Last time I was going in blind; naïve to what it all entailed and I sort of liked it like that. I now know that the odds are against us and that statistically speaking we will likely have to do three rounds of treatment to be successful like last time. I will have to take time off work. I will need to lug little Peanut to may, may, may ultrasound and blood work monitoring appointments. I will have to be at my lowest, low...again. I will have to give myself injection after injection. I will lose a lot of hair. I will be scared. I will have hormonal mood swings. I will gain weight. I will spend too much money. I will line up before clinic opens in hopes to get out quickly. I will cry. I will be on bed rest. I will get angry. Knowing all of this, I will do it again because it brought us the most beautiful little girl on the planet and it worth doing again. This journey hasn't been easy, as many journey's in life aren't but my God, has it ever been worth it. It isn't over, and we know we may have a long road ahead but we are ready, whenever that might be.

Until next Diary...